I just spent the weekend in the bosum of my family in the Bay Area. I had the best weekend possible, visiting with my family of choice and attending the wedding of my best friend T and her fiancee, G. The two brides were beyond gorgeous, they were exquisite in their beauty. The love that poured forth from all their family and friends was fantastic. I was so happy to meet T’s relatives finally who I had heard so much about over the years.
My special duty for the wedding day was dog wrangler. P and I are special friends. I’m the only one he prefers as much as T to be with, so we had a marvelous time walking and talking and being together. He was wonderful throughout the service and reception. He was pretty worn out from all the people and excitement so I just picked him up and held him in my arms for a long while and he settled into a snooze.
When I got back to T&G’s house, I sort of crashed. I had been stuffing down my feelings a lot inorder to put on a happy face for the day and be cheerful and loving for everyone and make sure it was a special happy event for the bridal couple. I didn’t want to take anything away from them. But I had woken up depressed, and it caught up with me as I sat on the couch with P waiting for the rest of the people to get home.
But that evening, even though I was pretty emotional, I had a nice long conversation with G, making sure she knew how glad I was that she was part of my family of choice, and how much I appreciated how happy she made T feel. And I got lots and lots of hugs from people, so that was really good for me.
Of course, coming home was a let down. I’m back to my loneliness and aloneness. My memories are popping up and flashing back to times I’d just as soon forget and keep stuffed away and not deal with. It appears though, that I really have to deal with them. I’m a survivor of deep and serious trauma, both short term and sustained, I have to admit that and learn to integrate that together with the rest of my psyche. My therapist is committed to working with me, it’s really up to me. Scary. But here goes.
