April 2008

<!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>I sent the letter off to my parents today letting them know how i felt about tuesday’s phone call. I was really really hurt. I do not need to thought of as a money grubbing greedy little bastard. All i was looking for was encouragement and support. I never get that from them. Mother always makes it all about her. “I didn’t teach you right” blah blah blah. Forget it. It’s all meaningless.

I don’t want anything to do with them. I am not going to talk to them on the phone at all. I may respond to e-mails or I may not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they do send a check. Probably send it back ripped up. I do not want their money. Not any more.

I’ll cash in my stock and my 401k and pay off as much debt as i can, then file for bankruptcy on the rest. With luck I can get into a room up north without a great deal of difficulty. Maybe someone will loan me the deposit money.

Then there’s this job possibility down here. Revolution. I will ask up front if they will have a problem with an odd work schedule and tell them about my insomnia and disability and need for accommodations. Well, not right up front, I will wait util there’s a job offer on the table. They want me for a QA role. I wanted a developer role, but the QA role may be more lucrative. we’ll see. I need to be ready for another cut in pay. It hurts to be going down and down in pay instead of up. But I’m gong to ask for $100k and see what they say. I hope I will be working with RonR at least. That will be fun. Plus they’re in Santa Monica so i don’t have to move or travel far.

If that doesn’t come through, there are the other possibilities brewing up north. I hope the recruiters come through for me. I’ve got to send out a note to Ed and see if he can score anything for me. Also a general note to people on LinkedIn to let them know I’m in the market will be good.

I’m so ambivalent about working vs disability. I’d rather work, but I don’t know if I can with this lack of sleep problem and the emotional issues hitting me hard. Sitting all day dissociated from my feelings isn’t good either. I am so disoriented at the end of the day I just feel like sobbing.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m not sure about anything, everything is up in the air. The only thing I am certain of is my trip to Australia. The tickets are bought and paid for, nonrefundable, nontransferable, and there’s nothing that’s keeping me from going at this point. So go I shall. I am so looking forward to meeting Ivy and seeing Hannah again. It will be a good time.

A personal update.

I’ve recently become unemployed due to my company’s inability to deal with my odd work hours. I suffer from intractable insomnia, brought on by anxiety over personal issues stretching back to childhood that includes PTSD, Complex PTSD, chronic depression and dissociation.

Given my inability to work and my general mental state, I’m being encouraged to apply for disability, which means my income is going to be greatly reduced.

I have a crushing amount of debt that I don’t know how I’m going to repay. I’m reaching out to all of you to ask for help. I’ve put a paypal donate button on the page at the right. Lots of people ask “what can I do to help?” Now’s your opportunity to make a direct difference. Anything will help. Thanks.